Words with Friends

There are going to be good days.
The kind that kiss morning sunlight
On fresh bodies.

There are going to be smiles
That linger on full lips
Filled with love

There will be love
Because
There always is

And those will be the shining knights
That beat the breath of dragons
That wage the battle within.

Those will be what pushes me on
Because
They will never let me go without a fight

And the shadows of the past circle in the depths of my mind
Settling from times long past
Tucking deep away inside me
You cannot hid

I was strong enough to live through you - and even though you design my diagnosis
You cannot rest from remedy

I know what you’re made of.
I know what you’ve seen too
And you’re forgiven for hiding
For giving up

But the ignition switch in my heart
Is full throttle.
I am coming for you, to rescue you.

I’m gonna show you how to get through the things we’ve seen… But this time
I won’t leave you behind.

I recently received feedback on a scene I wrote that struck me as odd. Apparently, I have ventured into darkness. But not the redeeming, naturally mystical darkness that exists in all of us. I have gone dark, without redemption, with intentional evil.

I’ve turned off my heart. For good reason… But in a cowardly, superficial way. To make it easier, I have denied the responsible confrontation of pain and flaw.

For now, I live with the lights off. Because I don’t want to see the reflection of the sad girl - the angry girl - in the mirror. I resent this path.

One day, and soon…. I need to turn them on, and let her out. She’s there, but for now… I can’t shoulder the burden of her story. I’m too busy. Too busy keeping it together to let her be what she is.

It’s pathetic. Like online shopping. Instant gratification of the promise of something that gets here on someone else’s timeline.

It’s pathetic. But it’s real.

I dozed on the couch watching Brokeback Mountain. I dreamt I was in a desert and a man asked me if I was sick. I asked him the year… Told him I was looking for my wife. That a minute ago, I was sitting next to her… At home. Her face flashed before me… As did Jonesy, my mom, my sister, my friends. I started to cry.

He asked me if I wanted to go back. He said I had survived, but I cut him off before he could finish. I said, “yes”. I woke up standing outside on the porch smoking.

That’s been my life the last few months. It’s better to live through it and remember than sleep while you lose everything you love. It’s better to feel it all, and try to keep going.